Posts Tagged ‘Dumb Ass of Week Award’

DAW Award

VIRGINIA BEACH (October 3, 2010) - - How Virginia News Source came to give Virginia Beach Mayor Will(ing) Sessoms its “Dumb Ass of the Week’ Award. Or how personnel mismanagement killed a homeless dude on the beach and Sessoms’ is making taxpayers atone for it.


Here’s how the concept development Last Friday a pizza delivery driver hit and killed a 3 YO Aragona boy who was lying in the roadway. Earlier a TV fell from the shelves at Walmarte′, killing a 6 YO who was trying to climb the stack of television cartons. Both companies acted like the City of Virginia Beach:  The pizza company raised the price of pizzas from $10 each to $20 each.  Walmarte′ added $100 to each TV sold. No action was taken against any employee in either case. The pizza driver said the 3 YO was wearing a black diaper and he didn’t see him until it was all over. Walmarte′ said it was going to teach the employee how to better stack television cartons on the display floor. To cover any future losses it said it implemented the two price increase policies. But Jack Smith said, “I didn’t have anything to do with falling televisions, why do I have to pay $100 more for my set?” Walmarte spokesperson said, “Well, we felt bad the accident happened and we are going to use part of the price increase to send climbing gyms to parks in poor housing areas so children can learn to climb properly.” The pizza company used the same logic:  We feel bad about killing the baby, so we are going to use part of the increase to buy fluorescent orange disposable diapers for everyone on the subdivision so neglected children will be easier to spot lying in roadways. Virginia Beach Mayor Will(ing) Sessoms saw the story and suddenly his ‘chrome’ dome lit up like a comet in the night sky. “I’ve got it,”  he told City Council.  “You guys know we are immune from suits, like the homeless dude our trash truck driver killed on the beach?  We are. “That poor bloke’s family can’t legally get a penny from us. It’s called sovereign immunity.  And thank God it exists, because no matter how careless and reckless we are or out employees are, we can thumb our noses and say, ‘nanny, nanny, boo boo.’ “But boys and girls I tell you what lets do.  I know all of us feel badly about this.  It really wasn’t the poor truck driver’s fault.  Yeah, I know she didn’t have a perfect driving record, but driving on the beach?  What the hell could happen? “We need to atone for our employee’s bad performance and whacking of that old guy.  I have an idea. Let’s build shelters - homes -  for male and female homeless people (otherwise they might re-produce if the lived under the same roof and got drunk or high) - separate but equal  - great concept.  Government schools did it for years. “Nobody can criticize us for that kind of atonement,” Will(ing) Sessoms told the council. “Er, mayor where’re we getting this money?” the councilman asked. “Well we are going to pull it out of our ass - -  another special reserve fund - - and we’ll replace it next year with a hidden little tax or fee increase someone.  They taxpayers won’t even notice it.” Councilman David, a mobile phone guru, bubbled up and said, “Since we're already losing so much utility tax money by people discontinuing land lines  and using cell phones, we could add 1-¢ a month to the cell phone bills and nobody’d ever know it, mayor.” “Brilliant,” said Will(ingress), “absolutely brilliant." Beachfront Councilman Urine said, roaring with laughter, “Absolutely.  The taxpayers can pay for our mismanagement, carelessness, our ‘grief’ for offing an old homeless dude, and our atonement. “I don’t want to sound callous, but it we could put that driver in a higher truck with less visibility, maybe we could get rid of a lot more trash that hangs at the beach.  Our atonement would already be in place. “Mayor, you just can’t believe the quality of people we have on the sand these days.  A loss of any of them would be no loss to us, trust me. And the taxpayers will pay for our atonement.” “Great idea, John,” Will(ing) snickered.  Anybody object? “Git ‘er done!” the mayor  roared tickled over his own brilliance!  The council didn't object.  Even the taxpayers didn’t object.  VNS' objects. So for that great philosophy and policy of Mayor Will(ing) Sessoms, he receives Virginia News Source’ “Dumb Ass of the Week” Award, shared by the citizens of the city who let him get away with it.  Salute to All!
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